


feelings in this pumping heartbeat

by mish_mish



Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Poor Connor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-17
Updated: 2018-07-17
Packaged: 2019-06-12 04:44:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15332055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mish_mish/pseuds/mish_mish
Summary: Too many feelings are breaking through his systems. A myriad of feelings and desires that break Connor, which are so irrational and so correct. No one taught him how to cope with them, no one created programs and codes capable of giving answers to every feeling. Nobody told him that it would be so hard to need someone.





	feelings in this pumping heartbeat

**Author's Note:**

> So, I finally finished it. it was hard, considering that this is not my native language, but overall I like how it all turned out. I hope that you will like it, too.

[ ](https://ibb.co/cH1LEJ)

Everything seems new. As if it had not been him before, and as if someone else had taken his place now. It's like new unreachable updates have opened up, similar to a storm that blows to where Connor has never been before and from where he can not get out. Pop-ups of errors that yell about system failures are no longer removed, they seem to  
be densely glued to the visual module, and no matter how much Connor tried to erase and get rid of them, nothing change.

He knows what causes it; he analyzed and accepted this, albeit with such an effort, which almost broke him, not only the system. _He is deviant_. This is not surprising, because now every second android becomes a deviant, but still the feeling is different, as if he is the only one.

Connor is overwhelmed with such new emotions that should not be, that are just an elementary failure in the system. The prescribed program is now warped, corrected by dark strokes. The program without which Connor can not cope, but to which he can no longer access. 

He's like a blind kitten pokes his nose into his program, hoping that there will be answers in it, but the program is not designed for deviants, it is was created to fight against them. And Connor seems to be drowning, falling into the thick of these new feelings. It looks like no one can help, but RK800 knows that there is someone who can reach out and save him. Markus. Markus, who knows the answers to almost all questions. Markus, who will hold him tight and will not let him suffocate.

_But he can not go to Markus_. Because Markus is one of the reasons why such an improved Connor’s system is crashed. And suddenly to spend time with the leader of androids seems so right, as it should be. Sometimes even the whole spectrum of these poisonous feelings seems right. And poor Connor does not know what to do and how to deal with the wave of his system errors.

But all the other androids around him cope with this new feeling, as if they were created to adapt for this with the snap of a fingers, and Connor for the first time fails this task. He can not get used to the fact that he is now free. He wants to hear what now to do next at least one last time.

Connor can not find friends among his people; they all look at him with condemnation and send him to a dark corner of the church where he needs to cope with his deviancy alone. Connor holds a coin in his fingers, instinctively distracted by this concentration focus. He feels the pressure of loneliness, which he never feel before, because he was never given a hint that he was alone all this time. And, perhaps, with this wild selfish desire, he wants Markus to be there with him, because he is the only one who accepts Connor with a kind smile and not with a disdainful look. 

And Connor changes direction; he replaces his need for the program to the need for Markus's attention for him. He, still like a kitten pokes his nose into Markus now and looks for answers in him, but finds surprisingly a little more than he expected.

Connor desperately wants to hold on to RK200's coat with his fingers and not to let go of him. He wants to touch his hands and be closer to him, share everything that they have. He wants this so wildly and irrationally, to the shiver in all his biocomponents. Connor thinks this is the biggest failure in his program, because robots should not have affection. They should not feel at all.

It's hard for Connor to get used to his deviancy, it's more habitual to think that everything is okay, but when it suddenly breaks through his systems by trembling, he ceases to fight it. The need for denial disappears when Connor spends at least a few minutes with RK200. He feels something trembling towards Markus, such that whines in his chest with a soft chime of his selectors. He wants to be with Markus all the time, he want to trust him, but can not even get close to him. With RK200 there are always others androids, and he carefully touches their palms, gives them all his attention. And Connor does not know what he feels about North or Simon, or everyone else, who is so close to Markus.

It is now difficult for him to describe every feeling without help, because the program no longer helps him, it's fooling him, gives him wrong answers. Even reading the body language does not really work out any more for Connor, as if all in him were broken. Deviancy seemed to destroy the software wall, but with it it's damaged all his functions.

Connor does not know what jealousy is, he does not know what love is either, but he loves anyway. He looks at Markus as if he were the sun, as if he were all shining in this world, and he feels how much he wants to touch and feel his warmth. After all, Connor was so cold and covered with such a layer of ice that it seems to him that no modules of maintaining the temperature in his body will help. It seems that he was stuck in this age-old ice forever, because, no matter how much he reaching out to Markus, he is still far away. 

And suddenly this is no longer a system that's cracking and it's not a program that's crashing, but Connor himself is crumbling into flakes of plastic and metal. He read that love is not like that. He read that it is light and warm, but what spread across his system like a virus is also love. Hank says it's a painful love, that it's an unrequited and sad love, which is like an illness that is cured only over time.

But RK800 understands very well that nothing will be healed. He does not know how androids love, he does not know whether these feelings are true at all, whether it will be possible to suppress and nullify them. He looks at Markus and knows that he does not want to get rid of these feelings, he does not want to lose his sun, and he does not want to stop loving and plunge again into the darkness he was in before he met RK200. Connor looks at his hands and believes that this is not such a big problem for him to experience software failures and this previously unknown pain.

Connor naively believes that it should not become worse. He relies on an already faulty program and is confident that this pain will be the one most difficult, and then he sees how Markus touches Simon's hand with his hand without synthetic skin. Something is breaking inside of him. He looks at his hands trembling as if there is a malfunction in his entire skeleton. Inside of him everything seems to be thrown into the most dangerous and deadly cold, which freezes Connor's biocomponents. 

_He wants it too! He wants to..._

It seems that all the motor functions have decided to fail, just like Connor himself, and there are no more of those little things that Markus shared personally with him. There are no soft and supportive smiles, slight hardly noticeable touches to the shoulder and long conversations after sunset. It seems that everything is erased, mixed with something that hurts.

_System failure._

_Software instability._

_**Software error.** _

Error warning pop-up one after another, the level of stress is growing. This cold tears on his cheeks is suddenly feels so real, just like the fingers that touches his wet synthetic skin. And the pain is so obvious, _so real_ , that Connor is not sure if his pump is still pumping the thirium through his tubes, whether he exists in this world yet.

"...nnor! Connor!"

Markus is close as he never was, and this is even worse for RK800, because he does not know what to expect. And Connor wants to breathe out relieved, but he does not breathe. He wants to cuddle up to Markus as if he is his last salvation, but this can not be done, because Markus is _not his_.

"You are not stable." RK200's voice comes from far away and as if enveloping Connor. "What happened?"

"I just... I was... I want to be..." his babbling turns out to be the first time incoherent, as if the sound processor is messed up, although Connor himself is messed up. "I want to be closer."

He presses his forehead against Markus's forehead, buries his fingers into the fabric of his coat, and trembles as if he freezes. And he understands that this is not enough, because Markus is still too far away. Connor wants to be needed, to be close to someone, to be like a sun for someone too. _Markus_. To Markus he wants to be everything.

Then RK200's hands touches Connor's wet cheeks, carefully get into his memory to find out everything, and do not encounter obstacles. Connor is a mess and he just does not consider it necessary to close himself from Markus.

Connor is a complete mess, and the leader of the deviants wants to know the reason why. He wants to help, because all his biocomponents freezes at the time when he sees always calm and collected detective almost crumbling to pieces, with the level of stress too high for its improved model. And Markus wants to do everything in his power to fix it, that's why he gets into the tangle of Connor's thoughts in the program, in all the system failures that are hurting RK800.

Markus is not gentle, Markus is not timid, but the movements of his hands are careful and slow when he slides his fingers from Connor's face into his hair, dragging him into a needful hug, such a wanted one. And Connor seems to be ready to shut down because it can not be real, because in his dark far corner of the church he can not be with Markus, because Markus is _not for him_ , because Connor's love is _painful_ and _broken_. It can not be otherwise.

"Hey, it will not be... Now everything is fine. It will not hurt anymore, Connor, I promise."

But Connor does not seem to hear a soft voice above his ear, although his sound processor is completely functional. Perhaps the only thing in him that still works stably. And Connor feels Markus's cheek pressed against his temple with a LED that flashing feverishly yellow, as if the level of his sensitivity was increased by a ten percent.

No one sees them in this secluded corner, and maybe only Simon notices them and just snorts at it.

Connor pushes himself closer to another android, soak up his warmth and finally feels that he is needed, because Markus does not let go of him and pulls him closer. His hands tighten around Connor's body and he buries his face into his dark hair. 

Perhaps if Connor was be able to breathe, he would surely suffocate right here, because _he feels so many things_. So many emotions pass through him, through Markus's touch, through his thirium pump. After all, his love was full of hurt, poisonous, but now it does not feel like that, now it's like something exciting, something that is definitely worth it to break all the programs.

"Do not let go." Connor asks with low voice in unison with the sound of his thirium pump in his chest, but Markus does not listen and _let’s go_. He looks in a new special way at him with his mismatched eyes, and Connor does not know whether there is a description for such a feeling.

And then Markus again and again breaks everything in him by stretches out his hand to Connor and deactivates his synthetic skin. He looks at RK800 with a question, his forehead snuggles back against Connor's forehead and he barely perceptibly touches his cheekbones with his lips. Markus is not gentle and not timid, but now with Connor, who is falling apart, he is extremely careful, he is sorely delicate.

Their palms touch, densely adjoin to each other, glow with a blue, and Connor feels like he is him again. He looks at Markus and sees only him, as he always saw, but still different; he sees Markus nearby, _so close_.

His faulty system displays error messages in programs, screams at the repeat that these feelings are empty and distant, that they mean nothing. 

The program confuses Connor, and Markus with his free hand touches his face and crushes the remains of the system for which the RK800 clings so desperately. And Markus pulls him closer, rests his forehead on his shoulder, and without words he convinces that the need is mutual. The leader of the deviants does not let go of Connor's hand, does not break their connection, revealing his feelings through it. He helping Connor realize that he is _**all**_ for Markus, that he is already very close. He says that Connor for him is all the endless seas in which he wants to sink indefinitely, in which it is pleasant to swim along the waves.

And a new feeling captures Connor, mixes surprise and shame with awkwardness and with boundless relief. It seems to him that overheating is inevitable, when Markus presses a soft kiss on his lips, when he feels the fingers in his hair quiver slightly, as if Markus himself also shakes. And Connor considers it superfluous, believes that they do not need this human gesture of affection and sympathy, but does not pulls away anyway. He is not sure that he could give up this kiss even if he received the order.

"I'm right here, I'm here with you." Markus's voice drops to a half whisper, and Connor seems like his sound processor is twisted to the maximum and the words bounce loudly off the walls, fill the whole church, reach each deviant in the room. Words intended only for him, the words of which he craved so desperately.

"Is it close enough for you now?"


End file.
